Batman actor Christian Bale had assault charges filed against him yesterday while in London for the British premiere of The Dark Knight. But here’s the shocker: the charges were filed by his own mother and sister. According to The Sun

He is alleged to have lashed out on Sunday night at Park Lane’s Dorchester Hotel where he has a suite. Mum Jenny, 61, and sister Sharon, 40, who lives in Dorset, went to a police station in Hampshire yesterday to lodge the allegation. The matter was referred to the Met Police. Detectives… are expected to quiz the Wales-born actor today.

I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Christ, I’d pay fifty dollars American to get smacked around by Christian motherfucking Bale. A hundred if he kept the Batsuit on. His mother and sister should be thanking him for the privilege, not bitching to the cops like a couple of ingrate stepchildren. Pearls before swine, I tell ya. Stinging, hand-print-leaving pearls before swine. Some people just don’t know how lucky they are.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Christian has been arrested and taken in for questioning.

Hold on to your breakfast, boys and girls — there’s a Madonna and Alex Rodriguez sex tape out there, just waiting to be unleashed on the unsuspecting public by the highest bidder. According to the Daily Star

[The man responsible for the video] is demanding a fortune for the footage he claims was shot with a hidden camera in an apartment used by the pair for secret afternoon trysts. The video man claimed he secretly installed a hidden camera in the living room with the lens pointed at the sofa.

Last night Madonna’s lawyers said they were “aware” of the lensman’s claims but were not commenting.

Ooh, that ought to be hot. A half hour of him spotting her while she bench presses her weight in human souls. No thanks.

NSFW Madonna in her Sex book because the video footage isn’t available yet:

The last time I had a garden hose raining water down on my supple breasts like Rosario Dawson here, it was a Tuesday, and I was passed out in the front yard while my mom used it to hose all the vomit off of me. I suppose this version is a little bit sexier.

Sorry, whores — Lindsay Lohan’s knee padded leggings are all sold out. (Websters)

Brooke Hogan says that women can’t be president because they have periods. Too bad Chris Benoit wasn’t her dad. (Jezebel)

Diane Kruger looking like Tom Sawyer’s slutty cousin. (Use My Computer)

Benji Madden looks like a complete asswipe in that getup. (CelebWarship)

Sophie Monk’s sexy new tattoo! (The Rad Report)

Does Rachel Bilson ever not look perfect? (popoholic)

More Jessica Alba mommy cleavage than you can shake a stick at. (Fatback)

Mariah’s sending Nick Cannon into the crazy poor house! (Hollywood Rag)

Lauren Conrad is pissed! But not because she didn’t get an Emmy nod. (Ninja Dude)

The Dark Knight breaks all kinds of box office records over the weekend. (The Blemish)

Lisa Rinna forgets her bra. (pretty boring)

Blake Fielder-Civil gets 27 months in prison! (Holy Moly)

Lance Bass’ new boyfriend is currently married — to a woman. (MollyGood)

The most pretentious arsenal of boner-killing underpants-wadders I’ve ever encountered in my life. Seriously, read the comments. (Pajiba)

In case Balthazar Getty’s wife and mother of his four children hadn’t seen those photos of her husband and Sienna Miller cavorting topless in a Italian villa boudoir last week, Sienna pranced around for a public titty-mauling in full view of God and the paparazzi on Friday. So much for subtlety, right? The only way this could be any more demeaning for poor Rosetta is if Sienna also took a dump on the picture and then slapped her in the face with it.

Jessica Simpson’s debut country performance opening for Sara Evans at Country Thunder Saturday night wasn’t exactly a success. The Kenosha News Online says

The crowd welcomed Simpson with boos [as] she strutted onto the stage in Daisy Duke shorts and cowboy boots [singing] a cover of “These Boots are Made for Walking.”

Audience members found her attempt to crossover into country irritating and that her vocals lacked a southern sound. “She’s an embarrassment to country music,” [said a fan]. “It’s crap. She doesn’t belong here.”

Well, nothing fixes a floundering career quite like a sex tape, right? Good thing there’s one in the works! According to Digital Spy

The home movie features Simpson engaging in a number of sex acts with her ex-husband Nick Lachey. [The video] has been acquired by the same people who released Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s holiday sex video.

The tape will reportedly be distributed online unless Simpson pays an undisclosed fee to keep it out of the public domain.

Everyone knows that the old saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” is totally obsolete in this day and age. The 2008 spin on success should read more like: “if at first you don’t succeed, make sure there’s video of you getting railed on the kitchen counter for mass distribution later on.” After all, success is not a destination, it’s a journey! A journey down anal trail, that is. Godspeed, Jessica!

Her debut country performance:

Drew Barrymore’s out-of-control boozing is to blame for her recent split from Justin “I’m a Mac” Long. The Enquirer says

Barrymore and Long had planned to wed – until booze resumed its hold on the former child star. “Justin got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night,” an insider [said]. “Justin gently suggested to Drew that they both slow down on the drinking, and she didn’t take it well. Drew believes she has control over her drinking.”

Jesus, I get so sick of people trying to tell you that you have “a problem” all the time. Oh, Abby, you have a “problem” with binge drinking. Hey, Abby, you have a “problem” with indecent exposure. Abby, you might want to see a lawyer about your stealing-from-the-petty-cash-at-work “problem.” Well, there’s only one thing to say to your boyfriend (or the cops or the prosecuting attorney) when they start up on you about your “problem”again: “Look — if there was a problem, yo, I’d solve it.” You can add “Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it” or just freestyle from there. There’s no arguing with Vanilla Ice logic, baby!

The couple in happier, boozier times (drinking on a beach and leaving a bar):

With the success of recent movie sequels like Indiana Jones and Rocky, Hollywood execs have decided to shit all over one of the most iconic movies of the 1980’s — Top Gun. According to The Sun

Movie bosses want to bring back cocky fighter-pilot trainee Maverick 22 years after the first film. A script outline has been written, but the sequel depends on Cruise, 46, saying yes.

An insider said: “The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor — and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot.”

It wouldn’t work, primarily because the Maverick version of Tom Cruise is long gone. Instead you have this Scientology-obsessed, socially inept little weirdo whose approval rating ranks right below George W. Bush’s and Hilter’s. People don’t want to see his movies anymore. And frankly, Kenny Loggins isn’t the musical powerhouse he was in the 80’s. But all that aside, the fate of a sequel usually rests in its title. I took the liberty of splicing a couple together for you. I present:

TOP TEN “TOP GUN” POTENTIAL SEQUEL TITLES

10. Top Gun Part Deux: Resurrection

9. Top Gun II: In Dark Territory

8. Big Top Pete Mitchell

7. Top Gun II: Back 2 Tha’ Hood

6. Book of Shadows: Top Gun 2

5. Son of Maverick

4. Top Gun II: Havana Nights

3. Look Who’s Flying Now

2. Top Gun Reloaded

and the number one Top Gun potential movie sequel title:

1. Top Gun II: “Cruise” Control

Brooke Shields was in New York yesterday, by all accounts doing her best Martha Washington in a pair of short shorts. All she’s missing is a man with syphilis and wooden teeth and the Founding Father fantasy is complete!

Another warrant issued for Pete Doherty’s arrest! (Holy Moly!)

Salma Hayek calls off her engagement! (Dlisted)

Zac Efron would like to personally invite you to the gun show. (CelebSlam)

Mischa Barton does her best Al Bundy impression. (Websters)

Meet Avril Lavigne’s ugly little bastard, Abbey Dawn. (Celebitchy)

Did think Pete Wentz could possibly get any gayer? Think again. (Bricks and Stones)

Anderson Cooper — in cat form! (Best Week Ever)

Brooke Hogan talks sex. You talk vomit. (MollyGood)

Katherine Heigl finally gets that brain tumor she so richly deserves. (CelebNewsWire)

Rihanna side boobage! (CityRag)

Sugar Ray gets canned. (Seriously? OMG)

Amy Winehouse busted in a bathroom stall. (CelebSmack)

Carrie Underwood performs in a killer pair of thigh-high boots. (The Grumpiest)

Celebrity boob-off ESPY edition: Hayden Panettiere vs. Kristen Bell! (Ninja Dude)

Fans of supermodel Marisa Miller cross the occasional social boundary when it comes making requests of Maxim’s “Sexiest Woman Alive.” Marisa told the NY Daily News

“My management is good about throwing away the really scary fan mail, but sometimes I get a letter asking for some of my hair. That’s just weird!”

So we’re a little “enthusiastic” from time to time. Maybe a little “overzealous.” I prefer to use those terms because they aren’t nearly as offensive to potential employers as “clinically deranged” and “court-ordered to maintain a distance of 500 feet at all times.” Let’s not get bogged down in semantics, H.R.!

At the launch party for her Vans sneakers line:

Denise Richards was in court yesterday morning to request an emergency order restricting ex-husband Charlie Sheen’s access to their two daughters, citing a psychologically damaging “issue” in his home. According to TMZ

They told the judge there’s a serious issue in Charlie’s home that could have an adverse impact on the kids. The issue, we’re told, is psychological and Denise wants professionals to evaluate things. In the meantime, she doesn’t want her kids hanging around there.

Three guesses says the psychological detriment in the home happens to rhyme with “binflatable moll.” This is Charlie Sheen we’re talking about. It’s not hard to imagine a few things you might find lying around the Sheen household that could be emotionally scarring to children. Christ, I can think of ten right off the top of my head. Naturally, I made a list for you:

TOP TEN PSYCHOLOGICALLY DAMAGING ITEMS YOU’D FIND IN CHARLIE SHEEN’S HOME:

10. Intimate Synergy^TM spinning sex swing

9. Naked pictures of John Cryer

8. Syringes full of injectable cocaine

7. Authentic Ginger Lynn Pocket Pussy

6. Loaded 9 millimeter

5. Closet full of dead hookers

4. Professional Sports Handicappers on speed dial

3. Pom-poms that double as anal bead/gag restraints

2. An IV bag full of Crown Royal

and the number one psychologically damaging item you might find in Charlie Sheen’s home:

1. Extended director’s cut edition of “Men at Work”

Denise in Maui back in April: